Hurt
by Beth Smith
Summary: Steve Randle lost everything in Vietnam. Now, back in the states, he wonders what he's become. .:What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I love goes away in the end.:.


**Disclaimer: **Trent Reznor owns the song. S.E. Hinton owns the book and the characters.

**A/N: **Dedicated to Feelin'Froggie087, because she made me kinda like Steve, as opposed to dispising him as I once did. lol.

**Hurt**

Steve Randle woke up, surprised to find himself in his own bed. It still hadn't quite hit him that he wasn't in Vietnam anymore. But one thing that hit him every day, over and over, was that his friend, his best friend, Sodapop Curtis was dead.

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel._

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He hadn't washed it in forever. And he really didn't give a damn, either. Nothing was important. He lived in his own little world... a world of heroin and needles and nightmares.

_I focus on the pain,_

_The only thing that's real._

He reached for the syringe at his bedside. He needed a fix, and he needed it now. The longer he went without it, the more images of Soda bleeding to death filled his mind. He couldn't fight it with anything but the heroin.

_The needle tears a hole_

_The old familiar sting._

Steve unloaded God only knew how much of the drug into his vein, and lay back down on the bed, not wanting to feel anything but the drug coursing through his veins and taking over his mind, clearing his thoughts of the hurt that tormented him every moment he was drawing breath.

But as he waited for the drug to take effect, he couldn't help remembering.

_Try to kill it all away,_

_But I remember everything._

_**"Steve, you're the best friend I ever had. Thanks."**_

Steve looked around him at the room. Dirty clothes lay everywhere, and the room smelled horrible. Broken beer bottles lay scattered all over the room, and dirty needles littered the tables and his chest of drawers..

"Dammit, Soda!" he yelled at the walls. "What have I done?"

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend._

Steve's mind filled with memories. Memories he'd tried so hard to forget. The day Soda's parents had died... they were more like parents to him than his own father had been. He remembered Ponyboy walking into the house that night after the rumble and saying, "Johnny's dead." He could see himself and the others running down the street, trying to get to Dally before it was too late, only to see their friend shot down under the street lights. And then, he saw Soda again, dying... so young... and telling him to tell Darry, Ponyboy, and Sandy that he loved them.

_Everyone I know_

_Goes away in the end._

_You could have it all_

_My empire of dirt._

He thought about it. He hadn't told Sandy... hadn't given her Soda's message. He hadn't bothered hunting for her. With Soda gone, it only made Steve hate Sandy more for what she had done to his friend.

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt._

As the heroin began to take effect, Steve lost control of his thoughts.

_I wear this crown of thorns_

_Upon my liar's chair_

_Full of broken thoughts_

_I cannot repair._

Steve could feel his mind... his ability to think... slipping away from him. And the thing that was really sad was that he really didn't mind that. He liked not being able to control what he thought. He liked the fact that pain and heartache were the farthest thing from his mind when he was high. He couldn't think happy things anymore. It was nice to just not think.

_Beneath the stain of time_

_The feeling disappears._

_You are someone else._

_I am still right here._

Steve lay still on the bed. He'd just stay that way until the high wore away. He was a mess. A complete mess.

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend._

_Everyone I know_

_Goes away in the end._

Steve lay there for a long time. He didn't know how long. It was hard to keep track of time when he was high.

_And you could have it all_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

He finally started to come down from his high after a while. He always hated coming down. He looked around again, wishing he had a chance to start all over again. He wished he had a chance to go back and change everything. And he wished like hell he had another shot of heroin to take so that he could just forget everything... forever.

_If I could start again_

_A million miles away_

_I would keep myself._

_I would find away._


End file.
